Blue Jay

Emotional Baggage

2010-05-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

No Title bc there is No Post

2010-05-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

I just got done writing a nice two paragraph post about life, it was freaking amazing! And i accidentally deleted it! Great attempt to start blogging again! Fail! Time for bed!

You Being You

2010-03-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

Im sorry you are hurting
Im sorry you cant stand still
Im sorry you are yelling
But i can't help you
Im sorry you think you don't need help
You've creative this norm we can't invade
We've creative nothing but a home for you
But you have refused to see it
My chest hurts for your life
I hope you come back soon

My Guilty Pleasure

2010-02-21T21:17:00.000-08:00

Next to the L Word this is my Guilty Pleasure! Legend of the Seeker

Life, Love, and Happiness

2010-02-21T12:40:00.001-08:00

What was it that i used to write about? What did i think was so complex about life? Was it I that made it so complex? Life is simple. Love is truth. Happiness is choice. These people that surround me are so wrapped up in what they make difficult. Woman of little words - ill just sit here and soak up your love. Humans make life hard. Breath deeply and you can make your universe slow down. Live truth. Talk simple. Choose to make happiness.

I Don't Care Anymore

2010-02-20T21:59:00.000-08:00

I get SO agitated when i know someone that is royally screwing up their life. It almost bothers me that their disfunctional life bothers me so much. I don't want to be heartless and unemphatic but at the same time i contemplate their chaotic life so much so that i start getting stressed and frustrated that they won't learn. This is the part of my life where i still judge and have an opinion about everyone's elses situation. I have an acquaintance that is a train-wreck (there is no other word for her) and of all the soap's I've seen in my day i have never heard of a story like hers. She brings everything drama on herself and with no regret or responsibility to her actions. She has no logic to life, no foundation, is fueled with drama and the worst part is - she thinks she is happy. Yeah, i know! Who am i to say 'she THINKS she is happy'. Well effin', this is my blog and this is MY opinion. But geez, I'm so sick and tired watching her and a select other people in my life choose to be miserable and disfunctional and little-ol' me trying to live life with virtue, true friendships, honesty, peace, did i say virtue? I can't get away with crap. I lie and my world falls apart (not that i want to lie), i can't sleep well with drama in my life, with no foundation or responsibility i fall apart. How do these people do it? Honestly!
I wish i could just shut off my feelings about these people and just say ' oh well it's your life' but i can't! I whole-heartily want these people to be effin normal. YES, i want my crazy train-wreck friends to be more like me. It's okay i know I'm selfish. I don't think i will ever become heartless, or ever stop being so passionate about this so my theory is i just need to not even ask 'how is so-and-so doin', if i don't know then i can have nothing to be upset about and they can just live their painstaking roller-coaster never having true friends kind of life. I Dont' Care (even though i really do).

Main Street Music

2010-02-06T19:37:00.000-08:00

Downtown Portland Oregon 2009

Your music makes up my dance and I stand still when you look through me.
I travel in circles of a repetitive beat but this is no music.

This limbo I am in is by no means a melody.
I linger of guilty curiosity and yearn for something I do not know.
I will be lost in solitude when I wake up without you breathing next to me.
This universe inside me could be my own prison,

my faith keeps it not so.
I can't touch you and I can't make you trust me but I can dance here until you see me.
You keep my heart even when I lose direction.
You keep me dancing when I can't hear the music.
You keep me singing when I forget the words.
You keep me near when I the dance floor gets crowded.
This city will run it's course. I will be standing in the middle of Main street with my bad dreams.
I will cry, kiss, scream, and stand still in my chaos. I will stay til you tell me to move.
So it is – nothing I can write or sing is as sweet as your love.
I don't understand the pieces of this song, I don't understand the word 'unconditional', I don't know how to change when changes occur.
I have no right to ask of anything but if I may, can I carry your tune?
May I stay in your arms in the middle of the street and cry your name til you see only me?
May I dance in your soul til I die?
May I ask of you to stay - take me to your sanctuary and kneel at the mercy of becoming one?

Unofficial Holiday

2010-02-06T17:16:00.000-08:00

I think the Super Bowl should be a National Day! How do we get this to happen!?

By the Way . . . . GO COLTS!!!!

Going Out

2010-02-03T20:17:00.000-08:00

Life Lesson #47
Dance Outside Even When No One Else Is

I'll Tell You When I Get There

2010-02-03T19:25:00.000-08:00

During my college career i was asked several times a month 'Where i wanted to go in life?' and never gave a absolute answer because i felt as if i would be putting boundaries on my future. I know it's a general question of college students but i was annoyed at the feeling of being obligated to plan my life. I usually answered with 'I don't know - I'll tell you when i get there'. After i graduated i bought my own car, started big-girl work, and grew up a little. Now i think i have an answer. I want a house and a dog in my back yard! That's where i want to go in life! I want to 'go' home every day to my wife and my dog!

Sharing my Happiness

2010-01-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

WARNING: BLUNT BITCH ALERT

To all of you that have the ability to talk to your friends, family, or co-workers about your current relationship or how happy you are - Congradulations! You are one step ahead of me. For those of you that have the opprotunity to share a meal with your family AND your partner at the same time- I hope you know how lucky you are! For those of you that don't have to filter your happiness for others - i envy you. It's not your fault and i don't envy your happiness - i envy the fact that you can share it with others. Don't take advantage of your life or the people in it. So many people get caught up in the little disapointments or the small upsets and waste what could be a positive change in thinking. No one's life is perfect but you have the ability to share you love and your family - some of us can't. It makes me sick!

2010

2010-01-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

Let me recap the last four weeks for you: After an extensive month long process I got my dream job and it is challenging me in ways i want to be challenged. I feel like I'm right were i am supposed to be. It didn't take much to get into the 8 to 5 routine but i do need to cut back in the coffee department. I continue falling in love with my woman and we spent our first Holiday's together. I still battle with the distance of my parents and their lack of being interested in anything that makes me happy. I know they love me but i will always strive, as i have done in the past, to never settle for side-arm hug relationships. My lupus is being nicely managed except for this weekend but I'm blaming that on the New Years Eve party! I was glad to see the conclusion of 2009. It was a perfect year of self-reflection, perspective double-check, and swimming in my darkest and shiniest moments, however, I'm ready to start a new year. I am climbing up the ladder again and I'm ready to see where this road is going. In 2010 i want to cook more outside the box and build up a circle of positive and fulfilling friends! Happy New Year!

Miss You Blog

2009-12-20T17:03:00.000-08:00

I miss you blog. The one-way conversation of thought. The provoking process of a clear screen to the art of words.

My Health Mission - Rest of the Week

2009-11-24T15:45:00.001-08:00

So i finished up the rest of the week on Brand Buds and to be honest i missed a few days. :( But im not beating myself up im only taking it every other day. These are the rest of the things i am doing;

Pycnogenol – I take this for many reasons but I think everyone should take it!
Costco around $16
http://www.pycnogenol.com/flash/

Juice Plus – It cured my mom’s IBS and I just feel all around better.
My best friend sells it – this is her website!
Juice Plus

Kellogg BranBuds or Oatmeal EVERY morning!
Kellogg Brand Buds
If you choose BranBuds they are actually pretty good (they don’t taste like cardboard). The hardest part is the first week bc they will clean out your system - but it works. ONLY 1/3 cup each morning. I add a little sugar and soy milk.

For the most part I figured out I am lactose intolerance which I could have been for years but just thought ‘my inners feels like this ALL the time, it couldn’t be dairy’. But I cut out 90% of diary and started oatmeal EVERY morning and not only lost a pant size but I also didn’t run to the pot as much. Who knew?

My Healthy Crap Mission - Day One and Two

2009-11-18T22:52:00.000-08:00

In a nutshell my bowels are crap!
(hehe get it)

About every two years my mid-section decides to have a life of it's own and puts me through hell. And every two years each doctor goes through the same test and conversations with me regarding a possible 'illness'. Blood work to rule of something I can't pronounce, anti-acids are like candy 'no Rx' for me, drinking chalk and getting x-rays, colonoscopies, and many hypothetical conversations always lead to well . . . nothing! Four years ago they found endometriosis which we believe was effecting my bowels and digestive track - don't ask me how but when thy removed it my symptoms were gone and I lost 15 pounds.

Now fast forward to about 3 months ago. (Warning: Blunt Dirty Language) One night after a good size meal and some bloating I starting pooping and farting blood. Yeah I said it! Seriously i thought my monthly gift form mother nature got confused and switched holes. So the next few days i pooped in test-tubs and lived in the bathroom. The question of the day in our house was "Hi honey I’m home - how's your poop today?" So romantic! The doctors ruled out parasites but couldn't do much else without consulting with a GI specialist, which of course couldn't be for another 3 weeks. Luckily I stopped bleeding but still THATS NOT NORMAL. Quickly after meeting Dr. Muscle Seventy-Something With A Slur Specialist i get the much anticipated colonoscopy (which I must stop the story to Thank the most amazing male nurse I’ve ever had, I have forgot his name but he was really appreciated). A week later the results come back and are completely normal so we tried some small bowel x-rays after drinking ~~a contrast mixture~~ chalk! What do you know? I'm fine! IM NOT FINE! Blood in the Butt is not NORMAL!
As all of this is going on I decide to make a change in my diet because I know at this point it’s nothing life-threatening and more than likely it’s something I have control over. I didn’t take a big change but I took baby steps. A week before my colonoscopy I cut out 90% of my dairy intake and had oatmeal every morning. My GI doctor wanted me to cut out all dairy but that's just ridiculous! I lost 6 pounds and 2 pant sizes! Really! I watch my portion control and ate small things throughout the day and i always have something for breakfast, which is something I never did before. This last Monday was my last visit to Dr. GI and basically he thinks I’m lactose intolerant. I think it's a little extreme but i will maintain to keep my intake down to a minimum. He also thinks the bleeding was caused by my inners working too hard because my body was aggravated from the dairy, basically i ripped a new one! Of course those are not his words - Dr. GI uses words like anus (which he must have said at least 28 times during the appointment). I can't take anyone seriously when they use the word 'anus'. Who says that? What happened to words like 'poop' and 'butt'?

Anyways! As i continue the non-dairy and oatmeal routine i am also taking the Dr. orders and starting Kellogg's All-Brand Buds. He wanted me to start them a month ago but i couldn't get myself to eat cardboard just yet. If it wasn't for his lovely nurse that told Kara and I all the success stories she had in counted with patients and her own husband i wouldn’t have gave it a second thought (not to mention Kara was going to do it with me). Today was my second day of having 1/3 cup of Brand Buds in the morning and i can honestly say they don't taste like cardboard - with some vanilla soy they are just right for a morning ‘pick me up’. My only side effect is some 'eh bloated' feelings around noon while the fiber does it's job. I'll be taking Brand Buds for ten days and I think i will finish this challenge with success - i have nothing to loose!

I Suck at Relationships

2009-11-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

I suck at relationships.
Not just romantic relationships but any human contact on an emotional level.
Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve had the same best friend for 6 years - at least I got one thing right! I don't know when it started, how I got this way, or whom to blame it on (other than myself).
We can go back to high school where I was an awkward misunderstood misfit who bounced to and from social groups, or the string of non-existent conversations with my parents, a distant father, sheltered social guidance, or an uneasy self-awareness. Maybe it stemmed form the emotionally abusive boyfriend or the spiral effect I placed my life in for several years. Regardless, I’ve paid for my actions by the means of lost friends, repeated therapy, self doubt, horrible communication methods, haunting dreams, etc . . . . , did I mention the therapy?
I went through a phase of childish behavior, lying to cover up other lies, reckless drama, and shellfish relationships, changing with the wind, cheating, and more pointless lying which all resulted in a crash of what I envisioned my life to be. The cheating was the beginning of the end for me. I literally had to teach myself how to not lie (even about the smallest of details). I had to learn how to act my age and minimize the drama around me. To sum up that time in my life I was a true bitch in the worst ways. As I tried for several years to maintain healthy balanced loving relationships the fact was I didn't know what that really meant or how to start that process. It was not until one day when my 'person of the month' said to me "I not only want to love someone but I need someone to love me in return." Oh Snap! Caught red-handed in the most shellfish of ways! I suck at relationships.
The revolving door of friends has been a great journey (enter sarcasm). Some I can chalk up to simple HS drama but I can honestly say I actively flushed many relationships down the drain with one finger. Lying, gossiping, lack of patience and a caring heart, a short fuse of annoyance, and resentment all had a hand. Of course, I could never communicate my frustrations or worries I just pushed the relationship away with any vice I pulled from my hat.
I'm happy to say I reconnected with a few friends who gave me a second chance. Their openness still amazes me and now I strive to live with that type of forgiveness they possess.
Despite my best efforts to turn a new leaf I still battle with ~~conflict resolution~~ being the bigger person. You will not find me lying or cheating but I still cling to my selfishness - I use to as my defense mechanism.
For all of you in my future path I apologize in advance for my socially awkward deliveries and hope you can read my heart instead of my ability to suck at relationships.

Letters of a Journey

2009-10-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Yesterday, you were kind to me.

Dear Today, im ready, where would you like me to go?

Dear Tomorrow, I'll be there soon!

Photo: Downtown Portland Oregon

Replacement

2009-10-26T22:58:00.001-07:00

If there are never two things alike can there ever really be a 'true' replacement?

We replace pain with food, drugs, drinks, and so on. We replace a relationship with one-night stands, a rebound, or a shellfish binge. We try to erase but we can never replace because the band-aid has nothing to do with the actual 'thing' that was lost.

What is the act of a true healthy replacement? Is is all emotional?

And if there is no such thing as a replacement in life why do we focus on the holes they leave versus the new page that is before us?

Thrill the World Chico, CA

2009-10-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

Photos from downtown Chico this evening from Thrill the Wold.

Thrill the World Chico, CA

2009-10-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

Couldn't get close-up shots of the dance but this is good enough!

At least i had some lovely zombies pose for me!

For Your Day

2009-10-21T18:07:00.000-07:00

Today is not about clichés and routine but about love and commitment.
Today we are here not to catch the love-bug bouquet but to witness and support your journey.
Today we sing, dance, laugh, and toast no one else but the two of you.
This is the day we come as your supporters and offer our love to build you up.
Today will be referred to for years to come and during those times of remembrance I hope that you will evoke the way you feel at this moment.
The moment where nothing can disconnect your love.
No worldly want, no monetary value, no temporary fix, and no shellfish opinion.
Remember today where you know your commitment is your first priority.
Where your mission in life is to not only to feel loved but to give your love, unconditionally.
As humans we battle with the word ‘unconditionally’ but as a married partnership this is your task, together you will find the meaning and perfect it.
The moment where your life is an alliance, a team of two conquering God's will.
The rest of us will be the company you keep; to lean on and to reach out to for the only purpose of growing stronger.
As your biggest fans, our vow is to honor the path and direct you when the waves become you.
Today is the celebration of what you already feel inside,
Tomorrow and those there after is the voyage.
Every night I wish you a kiss of love and every morning a new day with the same two essentials;

Love and Commitment.

P.S. I know there will be no dancing at your wedding but it just sounded good. I feel like this is only an ounce of what i actually want to say but i thought it was a good start.

Removing Victim-Dust

2009-10-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

I’m sure there are several ways that people deal with chronic health issues; some play victim, some use it to excuses actions or attitude, some continue living recklessly without care, some make it worst, some turn into addicts, some change their lifestyle completely, and I’m sure there are other categories, as well as people who fall into more than one category.

There have been days where I feel like a complete victim and feel like no matter what I do these health problems are just the cards I was dealt (for the record - I hate when people say that). There have been days I fall asleep to my ~~day-dreams~~ nightmares of extreme 'what if's' and 'worst case scenario’s'. Some days I wake up just to realize my physical body can't stand up and I negotiate my day around what my body can handle. Then I forgive my faults, apologize to my soul for toxic thinking, turn back to the universe, shake the victim-dust off my knees and try again. I don't and will not categorize my outlook on life/health by my bad days, but rather where my soul spends most of it's time; in hope and perseverance in myself and thankfulness for the help and care from other people. I have to 'work' harder than most people to keep a healthy body and I am willing to take that challenge (yes, I have a choice).

I am determined to learn and put into action ways to not give in into this brokenness. Today my body was weak but I know not every day will be like today. Today I played tug-a-war; physical body against mind and soul. In the deepest part of my heart I am a fighter, I am a student who is learning who my ~~disease~~ opponent is, I am not a victim, and I have all the perseverance and determination to not fall mentally and emotionally. However, today I couldn't find the starting line. I wanted to take off running and do it without error but I never left the gate. I'm pissed. My colonoscopy last Thursday was going to be my starting line for a new diet and I didn't commit, however, I am making better choices so it's not a complete fail. I have severely cut down on dairy and bread, I am back on all prescriptions and supplements that were decreasing my flare-ups, and I am headed in the right direction. I am extremely proud of that, I just have to remind myself during days like today.

I have no idea if the results of the colonoscopy have anything to do with lupus. To be honest, I find myself not wanting to say the word 'lupus'. I am not really sure why this is. It could be several reasons 1. I am afraid saying it too much will result into falling victim (like calling for Beetle Juice) 2. Lupus is not black and white; therefore, it's hard for me to commit to the word when I don’t know the definition, or possibly 3. I want to prevent the symptoms and educate myself to live more healthy and not focus on titles and labels (that's the doctor's job not mine).

In May, when this journey started, I knew there was something incredibly wrong and of course my 'worst case scenario' was cancer. Nothing, that I am aware of, medically lead to that conclusion but it was want I knew. All my ailments (cancer or not) have been surgically removed. I was thinking ‘whatever I have they can cut it out or chemically remove it’. I was wrong - they can't cut this one. Doctors can give me the text-book version, results of blood work, and education but this disease is not leaving anytime soon. I accept the challenge (yes, I do have a choice).

Today is over: Me 0 - Opponent 1
Tomorrow morning the score board will restart and we will do it all over again. A chronic disease or a broken body didn't purposely choose me but I choose to not it take my mind and spirit.

My List

2009-10-19T14:30:00.001-07:00

This is my actual list.

I make a list because i don't remember much these days.

I make a list because it's the only way to organize my thoughts.

I crossed off three today. I'll take it.

I could have done more on a different day. But today I'll take three.

I negotiate with my list; What is realistic? Which ones are convenient? How long will it take? Which ones can wait?

My red needle is on E. The fuel light is on and i am bargaining. I wanted to take a shower - that eliminated 2-3 on the list.

I need to unpack and clean my home - another 4 maybe. But the sad thing is i know my laundry will still be there when i head to sleep tonight.

This list is my guideline. My slow accomplishments for the week.

I make a list because even with my best intentions i won't complete all of them.

But i try.

I Just Call You Mine - Martina McBride

2009-10-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

I Just Call You Mine lyrics
Songwriters: Cates, Jess Clayton; Lacy, Ty; Matkosky, Dennis

I pinch myself sometimes to make sure
I'm not in a dream, that's how it seems
I close my eyes and breathe in the sweetest moments
I've ever known, it feels like home

And here I am, I wanna be your everything
There you are turning winter into spring

And everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're a standing ovation after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing yeah, I just call you mine

I fall apart and just a word from you somehow seems to fix
Whatever's wrong, oh, you reach into the weakest moments
And remind me that I'm strong, you've gotta know
I'd be a fool not to see or even worse
To forget that you're more than I deserved

'Cause everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're a standing ovation after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine

Nothing makes sense when you're not here
As it my whole world disappears
Without you what's the point of anything?

'Cause everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're the dream that I've been chasing after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine
Everyone calls you amazing, yeah, yeah, I just call you mine

She is Love

2009-10-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

These days bring me to my knees. The moments when job or lack there of means nothing, money is as valuable as dirt, the past stays behind me, and the future is nothing to think about. These are the times where the world is circling around us but our eyes are focused into each others. Solid. Nothing can faze me; nothing can take away the mental image of her blowing kisses to me across the room.
A small procedure, a medical hiccup really, but to see her face when I wake up from it all is the sweetest gift. With a kiss on my forehead I lie back down into the clouds and rest until my strength returns. She is the reason I choose to fight harder and she is the same reason I choose to fall asleep in love.
She bears my pain, lifts my sorrows; she reminds me what battles I can fight and when to rest. At these times I am the weakest, I am naked, vulnerable, and secretly scared. My physical body is faint and I question the reasons why I'm here in the revolving door of medicine and disease and I question the reason why I must endure this discomfort. I question my passion and my efforts in this journey. I question if I have anything to show for it. I question my mind.
I don't question my heart. I don't question her heart. I am eternally grateful for her love, her compassion, and her soul. During these times of defenselessness she is my rock, my voice when I can't talk, my strength when I can't move, my shelter for rest. During these times of vulnerability she is my shield.
If for no other reason I fight and persevere, it is only to give her an ounce of what she has given me.
She is my love.

Shifting Your Scale

2009-10-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

Balance or lack of is the result of choices that direct our life. We choose to nibble or indulge, take or give, abuse or praise. We choose our demeanor, perspective, and attitude regardless of our emotions and wounds. We choose to blame or take responsibility, talk or think first, we choose out of logic or heart and in all cases we shift the balance of our lives.

To comment to one task inevitably declines the maturity of another task but this is the sacrifice we make. The sacrifice to pursue one’s happiness and live up to one’s desire. We sacrifice nights out for homework, we sacrifice foods we love to be healthy, our family for our careers (in some cases), relationships for relationships, we sacrifice our pride to become a better person, and we sacrifice people we miss so that they may also pursue happiness.

It's really not rocket science! You put a load of crap on one side of the scale and the other one sits in mid air and collects dust. Then five years later you wonder why cobwebs and ghost are all over the vision of what you wanted in life. Once you realize it's too much work to unload the crap off the scale - you settle! Then there are those that take on the task of reallocating their life, inevitability shifting what they know and what people know them as into the past.

There is great fulfillment and flexibility with a balanced life. If both sides of your scale (let's say work and family) are at a healthy balance it is possible to take from one side to add to the other in times of need (or a promotion). If the scale is at an unhealthy balance you will have no resources to shift resulting is less than fulfilling energy. My basic metaphor is vague but true nonetheless. I challenge you to replace 'work' and 'family' with any two elements of your life, as I am doing, and sit back as an outsider to evaluate your options.

Best wishes and wisdom on removing the crap and cobwebs!

Melissa Laine - Shine Brighter Services

2009-10-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

Melissa Laine is a beautiful soul to say the least! I was honored and overjoyed to have the opportunity to be apart of her mission, in her own words 'To provide Happiness Choices for people to Shine at their Brightest'. Melissa, a woman of many trades, is the 'creator behind her own style of EFT called "You Me We EFT" that directs the end of each tapping session to how the client is connected to oneness. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques, which are various tools used to unblock stuck energy around emotional and physical issues. EFT is like seeing a talk therapist while using acupressure, yet self applied with guidance.'

Melissa states on her page, 'I have found that EFT has helped me tremendously to be and embrace more of my true self and follow the inner guidance of my heart. This tool is a precious GIFT that I am privileged to share with others. As healing energy work is a part of my path, you are truly helping me as I help you. I help you, you help me, this helps we, which is oneness and the definition of “You Me We EFT.'

Please check out her Facebook Page which includes links to all the information you may want regarding self-healing and happiness.

Shine Brighter Services - Facebook

Elements for Life

My Photos for Shine Brighter Service - Blue Jay Photos

Trouble by Ray Lamontagne

2009-09-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

Trouble...
Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble
Trouble been doggin' my soul since the day I was born
Worry...
Worry, worry, worry, worry
Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone
We'll I've been...
saved by a woman
I've been...
saved by a woman
I've been...
saved by a woman
She won't let me go
She won't let me go now
She won't let me go
She won't let me go now

Trouble...
Oh, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble
Feels like every time I get back on my feet
she come around and knock me down again
Worry...
Oh, worry, worry, worry, worry
Sometimes I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend
We'll I've been saved...
by a woman
I've been saved...
by a woman
I've been saved...
by a woman
She won't let me go
She won't let me go now
She won't let me go
She won't let me go now

Oh..., Ahhhh....
Ohhhh
She good to me now
She gave me love and affection
She good tell me now
She gave me love and affection
I Said I love her
Yes I love her
I said I love her
I said I love...
She good to me now
She's good to me
She's good to me

Dear So-Called Doctor

2009-09-28T12:19:00.000-07:00

Dear dense oblivious ignorant stagnant doctor,

You are the reason people don't like doctor's.

From,
One who will push to eliminate your kind.

House-ism in Photos

2009-09-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

Letter

2009-09-25T14:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Inner Self,

There is a difference between thinking positive and doing positive!

From,
Me

Recovering Pessimist

2009-09-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

This universe gives so many blessings - you just have to open your mind and ask for them! I'm on my knees in thankfulness this morning for the love in this world! For years i had no idea what i was missing! I can now feel my heart working in the ways it was meant to!

I wrote this on my FaceBook several days ago when I started getting a grip on where my life's events were taking me. As much as I pride myself on the ability to write what I’m thinking and feeling I just couldn't get my keyboard to communicate with my soul in the last several weeks. Despite my talkative and loud self I have been spiritually silent for some time. I kept this spiritually journey to myself knowing 1. it needed to be that way for me to focus on it and 2. i didn't know what this silence really meant let alone me trying to define it to someone else.
For a few months now I have stopped kicking a screaming at life’s happenings. I have stopped questioning the universe before it’s even done with the sentence. I have slowed down the process that results in being quick to anger. I have turned up my gut reactions knowing my gut sometimes knows more than I do. When I am alone I take it in and stay silent. I use my logic and ~~fight mode~~ argument skills in moderation these days and depend primarily on heart and well-being. Don't get me wrong I am an infant in this journey to my core but I'm on my way.
I am slightly hesitate to write about this amazing transformation in fear that I might hinder it but I am positive that I am in the right position and around the right people to help me with that.
If anyone knows me I battle with 'labels' - labeling myself and others around me. However, I recently labeled myself something I don't regret. I am a recovering pessimist!

What Does Knowing Help?

2009-09-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

This topic consumed my daily thoughts and even sometimes my nightly dreams. I have lived two separate lives and within the last 6 months they have slowly collided into each other. It was inevitable and gut-wrenching to watch the slowest car crash happen in my own life as i watch not doing a thing. I would lay in bed wondering why i have chosen to keep the best thing that has happened to me a secret then i would ponder if i ever really had a choice. I would cry over the thought of lying to the people who raised me then i cry over the realization that i am invertedly hurting the person i was meant to never hurt.
My mom emailed me tonight confirming that she knew about our relationship and despite her disagreement she will always love me. I'm upset with myself that i wasn't strong enough to talk first but really i just wasn't strong enough - plan and simple. I'm highly torn over how i feel. I think i should feel relieved because that's what people told me i would feel once i came out but I'm sorry to say I'm not relieved. I'm scared! I'm scared that things will change - that my relationship will change. I will be the first to admit my logic is flawed but change has hardly been a positive thing for my relationships in the past.
Just because my mom knows doesn't mean that i will talk about it with her. I doubt she wants to know anything more than she has to. It doesn't mean i am going to increase my PDA - that's just not something i do. So what is her knowing going to change? I'm still going to filter what i tell her for her own protection. I still can't share with my family our amazing connection, communication, friendship, and respect we have for one another - they won't understand. Therefore, i will still be living two separate lives. That doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel sad, stressed, and angry.

Dirt Before You Make Your Decision - JobVent.Com

2009-08-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share a good website I found for those of you who are in negotiations for a job or career. I know it's hard enough getting a interview these days let alone a job, but if you find your self wanting to know some honest dirt or genuine praise about your possible employer/company take a search in Jobvent.com. It's the behind the curtain information that the interviewer won't tell you!

I Love Music . . . and Birds

2009-08-25T15:32:00.001-07:00

This morning as I visited my favorite blog, A Series of Lefts, I couldn't seem to put together any words to make a sentence. This happens to me a lot on this site - I try to give my all and give attention to the beautiful written words but I am torn away by the music. You see, my best friend has the best pallet of music. I sometimes type in her URL just to have her play list in the background of my environment.
For years, we have enjoyed the same type of genre and artists but I always seem to steer away from it for a couple of reasons; I never seem to have CD's or XM in my car so I'm forced to listen to the radio, and the people I live with are all about the fast dance stuff, and really when living with others I can't turn on my music and melt in the sounds as much as I use to. But this morning I did! I turned on her blog and melted in my love-seat and my heart raced and slowed to the tempo of McCain, Wells, Rice, Myer, and Johnson. This is the second best thing to sitting on a beach with only the waves, birds, and wind.
Then I created my own play list and added a few of my favorites Etheridge, La Montagne, Eels, and Broadfield. I added new stuff from the Soundtrack of House and sprinkled in some old favorites from Sting, Cash, and Counting Crows. Hope my play list can bring someone some much needed clarity and humbleness as A Series of Left did for me.

P.S. Some of you might know I like birds. I Love birds! So when I found this song by the Eels I was overjoyed. It's called 'I Like Birds'! Check it out at the bottom on the page!

Human Rights Campaign

2009-08-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

Conversation on a Bench

2009-08-24T12:37:00.000-07:00

Me: Hello! Looking for guidance here - can you help me with the crossroad ahead of me?

God: Yes! I can help. But first you must forget what you think you know about where your life is going.

Me: Um! okay! That's not what I asked.

God: Then why did you ask me in the first place?

Me: Touche`

God: Good! Now follow your instinct and trust that you have been taught how to be logical, self aware, and remember your boundaries.

Me: Right, but that's what i need help in - i need the answer so I can start doing those things.

God: I don't give answers i give blessings in disguise.

Me: Can you disguise a blessing in money?

God: (silence)

Me: Okay, Okay that wasn't funny - sorry! But seriously I'm torn on what I should do.

God: What you should do is trust me then you will trust yourself - via your answer.

Me: (silence)

God: I gave you gifts. These gifts are not to be put on a shelf like awards but used to answer your own questions and your earthly dilemmas. These gifts are also tools to communicate with your own being, your core. I will be your shelter for clarity but you must not act as if you are weak - i gave you strength in spirit - use it!

Cherry Blossom Tattoo

2009-08-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

So some of you know i have a tattoo on my back of a simple bird and star design. It was my 21st Birthday gift to myself and now, years later, i need/want to add more to it, make it more creative, and more symbolic.

I found this blog recently to which the writer has exactly what i want! Tell me what you think?!

Cherry Blossom Tattoo

(click here)

Love Better

2009-08-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

When you can't see past the decisions and options.
Love better.
When you hurt from the words of ignorance.
Love better.
When you fail to trust, succumb to doubt, speak-out in fear.
Love better.
Forget the oppressor, the facts and reasoning.
Love better.
Release your control over punishment and debt.
Love better.
Be silent while soul-searching. Listen better.
Take growing as a gift. Understand better.
Give back, give often and unconditionally.
Love better.
Unselfishly check your selfishness. Love better.
Patiently wait for the unknown. Love better.
Observe and stay open to what you don’t understand.
Love better.
Your thoughts are loud. Love better.
Stay grounded on hope and your wings elevated with faith.
Love better.

New Journal

2009-08-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

"Every Friday night they go out on the town. They wear strapless dresses to show off their tattoos, they fling their everyday cares out the window. They split a beer at the icehouse. Their grandchildren wonder what the neighbors think." . . . . "It is here where she must begin to tell her story".

This is a space for dream words. Love words. Made up words. Flying words, fall down and get up words. Get to know the sound of your own inner voice. Be creative. Be generous. Be Bold.

Thank you, Nae!

This is the first entry in my new journal!

Cheesy and all!

A healthy Space.

Where the land of the busy panic living

meet the calm weightless waters.

Where waiters make your seaside dinner an experience.

Where sailing has a way of eliminating all matters of the world.

Wine, cigars, and two new friends.

Life is what happens when we stop thinking about it.

A vacation of laughter is the healthy space.

24 Days - Learning Patience

2009-08-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

Twenty-four days until my first Rheumatology appointment. This appointment was given to me two months in advance because there is only one Rheumatologist in Chico and appointments are scheduled in high/low priority order. Good news, I'm not high priority, however I still long for answers. I choose not to stress over what I don't know and replace that with patience (something I have never been good at).

I have been told not to 'google' my disease - one can become overwhelmed, stressed, and cause unnecessary emotional weight. As we all know our emotional, mental, and spiritual being plays a huge role in our physical bodies. You may not be able to control the prick of the needles but you can control your 'happy place', your attitude, and your sense of self. It may not ease the physical pain but I would rather suffer from something I have no control over than suffer from my own ignorance and worry that I have inflicted upon myself.

My first visit will more than likely be simple question and answer format, rather unexciting, but it will be one more step to understanding what is going on. I started keeping a pocket-size calendar with me to track my symptoms and flare-ups. May and June were hands-down the worst but there are days like today where all I want to do is lay on my bed and not move a muscle. My fingers are stiff and sore, I have to focus to breath normal at times, I use objects to stand up, random blurred vision, my shoes fit tighter because of swelling, my memory and focus is crap, and my ambition to complete task become weaker. In the past I could create detailed reports and study marketing plans enough to teach them, now my brain hurts to work on a 'Lower your Brain Age' work-book. For the most part, however these are tolerable, therefore I don't make a fuse unless it comes up in conversation with the people that know me.

My physical body has been through hell, however, I have been blessed by great doctors, caring nurses and great intuition when dealing with questionable treatment and diagnosis. I pray that the one and only Rheumatologist in Chico will be supplied with enough facts and blessed with great education and listening skills to work with me.

Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them. ~Martin H. Fischer

Homemade Apple Vinaigrette Salad Dressing

2009-08-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

Because my best cook is unavailable while she recovers this week I wanted to help her ‘Recipe for the Week’. A fan of vinaigrette herself, here is something I hope is enjoyable!

1/4 cup fresh lime juice
2 Tb honey
1 Tb red-wine vinegar
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1/4 cup olive oil
fresh ground black pepper
1 small roma tomato
half Fuji Apple

Whisk together juice (I used lemon juice, doesn't matter), honey, and vinegar.
Whisk in oil in small stream until emulsified.
Food processed tomato, garlic, and apple (remove skin) and add to mixture (chopped until desired).
Whisk in pepper as much as desired.

I sliced the rest of the apple and added them to my salad.

This will probably last for 2-3 personal salad and I am convinced if you want to add/delete or adjust some measurements you can't go wrong. If you add more tomato (like I did) just add more oil, juice, and vinegar also. Add more honey if you want it thinker.

P.S. I only had a Pomegranate Red Wine Vinegar so i used it - I'm sure it's good either way! Use what you have - no need to get specific!

Next to Today

2009-08-09T12:24:00.001-07:00

In my next life my best friend and i will live in the same city . . . at the same time.
In my next life i will not cheat.
In my next life i will not take the easy way out.
In my next life i will follow my gut more.
In my next life i will still be the same but stronger.
In my next life i will not procrastinate life.
In my next life i will not judge things i don't understand.
In my next life i will judge my actions more.
In my next life my brain will be sharper and i will focus.
In my next life i will not be scared of making a fool of myself, again.
In my next life i will pay attention to the danger tape.
In my next life i will keep dancing.
I will read more, i will not push people away, i will not lie to fix something, i will not fake what i think is important, i will keep all my writings for such a day like this, i will get up when knocked down, again. I will not waste other's time to benefit my passion. I will love without barriers. I will not work for something that is destructive, I will love, again.
I will miss, scream, fall, cry, kick, laugh, fall again, i will be human and i will learn.
I will want to trust and i will forget how.
In my next life i will live and love. I will regret because I'm weak and i will remember because I'm strong.
In my next life i will write a list about my next life and i will add some and delete some and modify some.
In my next life i will be me.

Release Me

2009-08-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

I left you behind for a reason.
A reason that made you better,
a reason that I never understood.

Your voice like anguishing familiarity,
Your disappearance is appalled.
You won the battle,
the battle of hearts versus spades.

I bleed the possibilities of the unknown,
caught awake staring at your ghost.

Leave me alone.

Turn away and leave my dreams for only my passions.
I left you for a reason - you have no place here.

You’re the lone midnight train
I held onto you under the tunnel
Soothing and strong
I can't escape your train,
You can't afford my ride.

I can't afford your memory.

Release me

Out of my dreams.

Release me

Scare me away.

Release me

Send me truth.

Release me

Don't Use YAZ - Recall and Lawsuits

2009-08-03T16:39:00.000-07:00

Finally, there are legal television commercials against the birth control pill YAZ and Yasmine! I have several friends including myself who have had serious side-effects with this pill and i encourage anyone who is still taking this pill to really search for an alternative solution.
These pills are not worth it!
Please educate yourself and ask your doctor for options . . . YOU HAVE OPTIONS!

Throughout the United States, a number of Yaz birth control lawsuits have been filed against Bayer Healthcare Pharmaceuticals, Inc., which was formerly known as Berlex, Inc. and Berlex Laboratories, Inc., alleging that the drug makers:

Failed to adequately warn consumers and the medical community about the potential risk of Yaz side effects.

Failed to adequately test and research Yaz birth control before placing it on the market, which could have shown that users will face an increased risk of heart attacks, strokes, pulmonary embolism, deep vein thrombosis, gallbladder complications and other life-threatening health problems.

Failed to issue a Yaz recall or remove the birth control pill from the market after it became apparent that it is an unreasonably dangerous drug, for which the harmful side effects outweigh any potential benefits provided over other available birth control pills.
Aggressively marketed Yaz and encouraged misuse and overuse despite the known Yaz dangers to maximize profits at the expense of users’ health.

The drug makers had sole access to facts concerning the potential Yaz problems, and ignored the correlation between their drug and potentially life-threatening side effects. Yaz safety concerns were concealed and misrepresentations were made to to convince potential users and the medical community to use the birth control pill instead of other available products. This increased the drug makers’ profits at the expense of women throughout the United States.

More Information Here

Too Darn Hott

2009-08-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning to what i thought was 9am in all anticipation to attend Chico's Saturday Morning Farmer's Market but slept til 10:30am! Laid there a little longer realizing that dark curtains are always a good idea in the bedroom unless you want to wake up early, like today. So we laid there visiting each other and ignoring the time. By noon we felt like it was 10am so i thought i would make breakfast. Scrambled eggs for the little one, bagel egg sandwich for kara, and a ham avocado omelet with bagel for myself. . . . and food coma! another nap! My other thought today was to float down the Sacramento River with our friends, they couldn't make it but i was insisting on going anyway but hour after hour no one could awake from carb-haven. It is now 5pm and i have done nothing but make our kitchen more messy (our dishwasher is broke) and attempt to take a complete shower without laying back in bed. Don't get me wrong a day in bed in amazing exspecially when you have someone special to share it with! it really is just too darn hott to do anything else! maybe some ice cream later!

Unveiled

2009-07-26T00:05:00.001-07:00

With these words I am about to hurt you

I am about to disappoint you and alter our reality

I have spent days and nights creating this moment

and now I have no where to run

I can't call myself proud and true if I stand here and lie to you

You will look at me confused, upset, or mad

You will be silent, walk away, or ask why

And after all is said and done - I will still be Me

I will still be the girl that prays in silence

The one who values every experience as a lesson

The woman who never forgets gratitude and forgiveness

A person who is madly in love

Your daughter, who is ashamed of disheartening you

This Woman's Work - Maxwell

2009-07-24T14:53:00.001-07:00

Here is the Video from So You Think You Can Dance July 22, 2009 that I mentioned in my previous post 'Thank You, Tyce Melissa and Ade'.

Thank You, Tyce Melissa and Ade

2009-07-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

My favorite television program is So You Think you Can Dance and tonight was more than entertainment and dancing - is was a journey of an incredable story!

Thank You to Tyce Diorio to who choroegrpahed the contemporary piece danced and Thank You to Melissa and Ade who danced a danced of life with thier entire soul.

I have always felt honored to be a survivor and i feel honored to have seen that dance.

Note: I don't have the video yet but im sure it will be on YouTube soon.

Girl Friend's Get-Away

2009-07-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

As of Sunday I will be the happiness girl alive! A vacation to Monterey! I am telling you this because if I don't come back you will know where I'll be!

For me it's not much of a vacation seeing that i hardly work and don't have much stress or responsibility but I really don't need an excuse to get any with Janae. We deserve it! Well, to be honest she deserves it much more than I do but I'm going to help her enjoy it! Not to mention we know have to create a low-budget get-away!

I'm especially looking forward to this get-a-away because we have never spent a 'real' vacation together. We have done a day trip here or there, visited each other's homes, and one coast trip with our mom's (which was great) but never just the two of us! It's kinda silly but this is going to make up for the lack of Birthday events for the last 5 years!

Get ready for a plethora of photos!!!

Good News for Spoons - Bad News for Lupus

2009-07-20T00:32:00.001-07:00

I feel slightly sad that I don't post as much as I use to on here but my life is reasonably still these last several months. Also, I hate to admit with Facebook I seem to write a short sentence or two on my status update instead of writing my usual paragraph on blogger. Maybe because I know people actually look at my facebook and comment back! Which is fine because I think this blog has really only become a creative journal for me instead of a method of communication.

I did, however, want to share some health news with you. I hinted awhile back that I had blood test done and the results directed my doctor to Lupus. I have a specialist appointment the end of August which will hopefully give us more details but until then I have been educating myself on the disease. Reading and learning more about support groups, community, research, facts, and myths. Luckily I have been symptom free since the 2nd of this month and not on any prescriptions only Juice Plus and Pycnogenol® (antioxidant, acts as a natural anti-inflammatory, selectively binds to collagen and elastin, and finally, it aids in the production of endothelial nitric oxide which helps to dilate blood vessels). However, there are millions of people that deal with this disease in the worst way every day and depend on research and development to strive for advanced treatment and a cure. I’m happy to share with you that the largest lupus drug trial ever completed was successful!

The following is a small excerpt from On the Road to a Cure:

"Today, Human Genome Sciences (HGS) and GlaxoSmithKline (GSK) announced positive results from a year-long clinical trial of BENLYSTA for treating lupus. When the 52-week study concluded, the lupus patients who were treated with BENLYSTA had improvement in overall disease activity without clinically significant flare-ups in one or more isolated organs when compared to patients who received the placebo (inactive agent). The patients receiving BENLYSTA also were able to reduce their intake of steroid medications. The study is the largest ever to be completed for lupus and the first Phase III (late stage) trial of a new biologic immune therapy for lupus to succeed in meeting its primary endpoint and most of its secondary endpoints."

The subject of lupus is very discreet and unknown, unlike cancer, but during my self education on this matter I have read some of the most touching and inspiring storing about this silent disease. I'm excited about what the Lupus Foundation of America is accomplishing and ready to educate other people about this disease.

For more information Lupus.org is a great place to start.
And read Christine Miserandino's "The Spoon Theory" . Her personal story has been referred to for many years, it allows people to share with their family and friends the day-in and day-out struggles with lupus. It’s a good read!

Photo Time

2009-07-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

Photos from last weekend in Chico

Farmer's Market

and Slice of Chico

My Degree Surpasses Your Attitude

2009-07-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

I’m back at work these days - well kinda! I picked up a no-brainer job on an as-need basis in a real estate office. I’m over qualified and overly bored but greatly appreciated by Mike, the man in charge (which makes it worth it). My duties are simple, answer phone, take messages, direct people to model homes, and hand out floor plans, anything to make them 'feel at home' without talking prices. Of course, I don't know much about the business and/or details of the homes so I direct to the questions to the right person. This part-time job has helped me get back into the business world and I know something better will come along but for now I’m content being a GREAT office assistant.

So when this guy came in the office today his statements made me so frustrated I wanted to pull out my 4-year degree and slap him across the face with it. He starts asking me questions before the door has time to shut behind him and as I try to explain to him that the sales rep. that he needs to talk to is out of the office he precedes to interrupt me and demand that I call that person and ask how far away from the office they are (apparently he had already called the sales rep. and knew he was on his way)! OMG why the eff did you bother me then?! So as I get ready to call the sales rep. to get his ETA the phone rings and I proceed to take a message from a local realtor. The man in the office comes up to my desk and assumes I am talking to the sales rep. so he speaks loudly and says "MIKE (sales rep.) IM HERE MAN - WHERE ARE YOU MAN?" I have to apologize to the realtor on the phone, cover the phone receiver, and tell the man to please be quite I am taking a message and I will call Mike as soon as I am done. He walks away pissed and starts’ asking questions to him self. When I get off the phone and start dialing Mike's cell number the man interrupts and says "NEVERMIND ILL DO IT" and takes out his cell phone and calls Mike!!! At this point I know there is nothing that is going to make this relationship better! As the phone is ringing he leads over and says to me "You must be new!" Before I could gather my thoughts to say something he had already walked away and started talking on the phone.

He had me so frustrated I couldn't remember what I was doing before he walked in. This man was ethnic with a thick accent and spoke broken English and kept saying either to Mike or myself 'I don't understand', 'explain again', and 'repeat repeat'. Mike meets the man outside for their meeting and later comes back in and leans over to my desk, again, and in a childish small voice says "THANK YOU honey, you’re sweet and doing a GREAT job" as if I was a 3 year old then says "we all have to start somewhere – you will be fine"! I just grinned and secretly flipped him off under the desk! Mike who knows my education and experience level just laughed – there was no correcting this man even if he tried!

These people just piss me off! Don't ever assume just because I look pretty in office attire, know how to greet people, and answer the phones that I am not well equip to kick your ESL Ass!

Words of Wisdom

2009-07-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

Founds this on a friend's page - It's a great pick-me-up for me! Not to mention freckin' funny!

Random Photos

2009-07-03T00:19:00.000-07:00

Just some more photos from San Francisco!

The onion heart was delievered by the cook to Laura! I loved it!

A tip jar found in a Coffee Shop - I love it!

San Francisco Visit

2009-07-02T23:59:00.001-07:00

Check out our lastest photo from San Francisco!

HERE

Create A Word Search

2009-06-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

Make your Own Word Search Puzzle!

HERE

Think of all the words that you associate with your love-one or relationship and make a puzzle, print it out, and give it to them!

It's fun, it's cute, it's chezzy! But oh' HOW CUTE!

GO do it! They will love it! GO NOW!

“I Find Your Interest Interesting”

2009-06-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

For three nights now I have been having dreams about Gregory House!

And not like sarcastic conversations about working in a hospital or dieing on a hospital bed with him leaning over my bed trying to get me to tell the truth but about intimate situations between two people. WTF?!

I will admit I find him intriguing, stimulating, and repulsively addicting . . . but . . . .geez . . .

Still

2009-06-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

We title our relationships and we title our roles.
We title our history and our social standards.
Do you not feel validated until you title yourself with some social word?

Do you want to categorize me into a box to help you understand?
Do you need someone to call you some term of endearment to feel endured?
Do you put yourself in a box because it's belonging?
Or do you love and live without walls.

We are stupid at life because we just want to live.
We are dumb at reasoning because we have emotion.
We are smart in other's life because we have the ability to take ourselves out.

A Little Irony for My Day

2009-06-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

Emu Who?

2009-06-09T16:13:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of Emu Oil?

Emu oil is composed entirely of fatty acids that are similar to those found in our skin. Omega 3, 6, and 9 fatty acids are essential compounds our skin needs to stay healthy and robust. Fatty acids from emu oil penetrate your skin to provide anti-inflammatory properties directly to the source.

I bought Blue-Emu last night and i think it's a miracle cream. Along with Emu Oil this cream has Aloe Vera which is great for the skin but not the reason i bought it. I'm hoping the Glucosamine and MSM (Methyl Sulfonyl Methane), their natural supplements for pain relief, inflammation and tissue repair will help with my discomfort.

10 benefits to Emu Oil according to blue-emu.com

1. Emu Oil is a Natural Anti-Inflammatory

2. Emu Oil is a Natural Anti-bacterial Agent

3. Emu Oil is a Natural Anti-Fungal

4. Emu Oil and Arthritis - Muscle & Joint Injury - Relieve the Pain!

5. Emu Oil Offers Unsurpassed Penetration

6. Emu Oil is Hypo-Allergenic

7. Emu Oil Has No known Side Effects

8. No Odor/Will not Stain Clothing

9. Emu Oil is Non-comedogenic

10. Burn Pain and Scarring, Speeds Wound Healing

My Living Room Photos is Out of Place

2009-06-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

As some of you know I have been having some serious symptoms consisting of breathing problems and joint/muscle pain. The one and only ER trip showed a perfect heart, good oxygen levels, no blood clots, basically I'm in tip-top shape.

More blood work the following week resulting in a positive ANA test which can be associated with several autoimmunes diseases. This time I recieved the lab results in the mail before my doctor's assistant called me with the news. Of cource, when i get the paper results it's in medical mumble-jumble with #>()%^{} symbols everywhere and no translation. However, with the help from Ms. Assistant it is known my Mono is back, I have a ANA titer of 1:80 with a speckled pattern and high cortisol levels. If that means anything to you, you know more than I. We do know that the high cortisol levels are from a Rx that i was on for 3 months. Goes without saying I'm not taking those anymore. If it were up to me that Rx should be banned.

So this morning I get another call from Ms. Assistant telling me that Mr. Doctor received the detailed results back from my ANA test and "there were a few things off!" What is that? When you hang photos across the wall in your living room and one photo is "OFF" that means it's out of place. So if that's the case. . . in the English structure . . . my blood results are 'out of place'.

I have two theories!

1. It must be bad news because why wouldn't he just tell me over the phone like he had his nurse do the first time. Just give me my syndrome and send me to a specialist and have me be on my merry flippin' way!

2. Usually when i over -react the results of anything (job, blood test, family news, interview, school test, anything) is not a big deal. Therefore, if history serves me right, I will over-react and element every possible bad answer which will result in a mid-stream explanation to all my symptoms.

Wish me Luck.

They Have My Blood and My Money

2009-06-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

For the most part my unemployment checks are going directly into the medical field. Im a small package but oh' how I stimulate the Health Insurance Companies!

De-li-cious: adj. highly pleasing to the senses

2009-06-05T22:25:00.000-07:00

Monday night we took a stroll to our local Jon and Bon's.

They change thier frozen yogurt flavors once in awhile and this week they created Coconut Cream Pie flavored frozen yogurt! I mixed it with simple chocolate and i was in heaven!

It's the simple things in life!

Throwing in the Towel

2009-06-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

You know when you mom said "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"
Well. . . same goes for blogging, sometimes! Even though in the past i have been able to verbally abuse strangers and issues via New Post i just can't seem to gather the nerve or the words to express my frustration with my current stance. So for now i will drop vague lines because i have the prerogative to do so . . . it's MY blog!
I will say over half of my own frustration stems from myself. I am currently attempting to 'chill' (without xanax) and back-out of the critic's box. I'm tired of fighting with my own shadow!

Bille Park and Honey Run

2009-06-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

just a few . . . new photo's HERE

Coexisting

2009-05-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like a newborn fish in an ocean of misunderstanding and discrimination. After high school I understood abuse, cancer, and perseverance but, really, that was just a drop in the bucket. For more than 20 years I didn't open my eyes to equal rights, coexisting, discrimination, hatred, judgment, prejudice, and intolerance. I never witnessed the looks of disapproval from one human being to another even though it was all around me. I dislike admitting this but my grandfather, a 30 year Southern Baptist Pastor, once told me when I was 10-11 years old that he would never approve of me marrying a ‘Mexican or black boy’. I remember when he told me it was the first time something didn’t settle right in my gut. I didn’t understand why he was building barriers in my future – I didn’t understand this was just the beginning. I know, this sounds elementary for those of you that have experienced these vices for years but for myself, a small town hick sheltered little brat, thought the worst thing in the world was . . . not getting my way. Through high school and several years after I stereotyped people in so many categories - I had no idea what I was talking about or what I was doing to other people. I passed quick judgment on others that were different than I not because I actually hated them but because it was what I was taught. I learned from my ancestors.
Then something changed. Basically, I got really exhausted of ‘hating’ and simply being negative about something just because I didn’t understand it. In all honesty, I was curious on what I was missing out on. I believed there had to be more beautiful souls and amazing people outside the little box I lived in. Over a period of time and especially in college I open my mind and eyes to everything that was different than me. I wanted to know and see all the things that I was sheltered from when I was younger. I wanted to make my own decision about any given issue. I wanted to be a person of opinion by knowledge not a follower of tradition and habit.
I will admit I still have very strong feelings about the way people conduct their lives and I voice them passionately. I still have no tolerance for neglect, abuse, pessimism, vainness, and flat out irresponsibility.
That being said, I do in fact; feel like a newborn fish in an ocean of misunderstanding and discrimination. I have found myself on the other side. The side where I can’t elope in Vegas or on the beach even if I wanted to. I can’t categorize myself as an equal to certain rights. I don’t have a choice in blocking out gay remarks on the street and seeing the ‘look’ of disapproval. They are not looking at me because my outfit is cute they are looking at me because of who’s hand I am holding.
Again, many of you have dealt with this prejudice for some time but for me it’s new. For me it’s bitter sweet. I found the relationship and person of my dreams but in that I must sacrifice some freedom and acceptance.

"That is artistry"

2009-05-25T13:58:00.001-07:00

You know I'm not a crazy huge fan of 'Idol' but i just have to say it is awesome to see natural talent with a humble personality win. I have not seen all the season but I'm glad Kris maintained a level headed humbleness like Carrie and Ruben.
I think i will actually buy his CD this year!

Honor and Remember

2009-05-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all that serve our nation and I honor those that are no longer with us. You and your families are close to my heart.

Navajas Family - I love you guys! Come back home - Tony!

Lt. Col. Fehrenbach by Rachel Maddow

2009-05-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

A Week in Pictures by MSNBC

2009-05-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

A Week in Pictures by MSNBC (see here)

The photographer who took this picture of a bicyclist being upended after hitting a pothole submerged in rainwater in Xiamen, China, is coming under fire. Critics say he was lying in wait to capture an unfortunate incident instead of warning people about the impending danger. The photographer defends himself by arguing that without his pictures, the government would have never noticed the pothole.

Where's the Ball?
Golfer Jason Dufner, left, and rules official Tony Wallin, center, survey the situation after Dufner's drive off the first tee ended up in the lap of embarrassed spectator Miranda Cooper, 18, during the third round of the Quail Hollow Championship tournament in Charlotte, N.C., on May 2. A marker was placed under her chair and Dufner played the hole without penalty.

My Last Oncology Appointment

2009-05-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

I have lived in 4 different cities since my cancer diagnosis almost 9 years ago. In each city I have had a different Oncologist and today I met the newest member of my medical chart, Dr. Keech in Chico. These visit's are not so much about the doctor's themselves but about the experience of having to be there in the first place. The first 6 years after my diagnosis I went through a series of annual and sometimes bi-annual blood work, CAT scans, and X rays and the last 3 years they have reduced it down to only blood work and 1 X ray (my latest one being 4 weeks ago).

Every visit to the Oncologist has been a mental and emotional battle but it has become easier in the last few years - I think I was just getting use to going through the motions. Sometimes walking into the Oncology ward would make me think about the grief of loosing members of my family that I would forget I was there for myself. Today I experienced a little bit of that and so much more.

I drove up to the Cancer Center and felt as if I was going into the dentist - not really feeling any emotions at all. Then the double doors slid open, I walked in and starting moving down a long hallway. I don't remember walking, it was more like gliding. Large letters were placed along the hallway wall 'Faces of Hope' and 'Strength' followed by photos of elderly people smiling with either a nurse or family member sharing the Kodak moment. Pictures that looked nothing like what my grandparents looked like when I would sit with them. The hallway had to be at least 50 feet and hanging from the ceiling were dozens of hand-made origami cranes, of all colors. If I looked up and walked at the same time it was not hard to picture them flying. Acoustic music became louder as I walked further down the hallway and I focused in on a man stringing his guitar on a bench at the intersection of my hallway and an adjacent one. He sat so calm and played ever so gently as if he was in his own bedroom, not a public Cancer Center. Soaking up my new surroundings I thought to myself ‘I am sure cancer patients really appreciate this environment’ and ‘I would also appreciate it's soothing outlets if I . . . ’ then I realized. . . it was for me. I am/was one of them. This is something that I realize off and on in my life. I don’t necessarily think it is unhealthy to think this way but just a result of living in post-cancer. The guitarist and I made eye contact and my inner walls starting falling. You see, when I was getting ready this morning I spent a little more time on my hair and make-up and instead of jeans, converse, and a simple v-neck top I wore my sexy jeans, high heals and a lacey deep v-neck top. I was subconsciously preparing myself to feel better on the outside because this is the one place where my emotional and mental body is naked for everyone to see.

I walked into the waiting room of the office with my shoulders still back, standing tall, and acting as if I worked there not as if I needed to be there. In front of me, talking to the receptionist was an elderly lady who wore bright colors, a knitted hat that hardly covered her balding head and her skin translucent leather. She could have been anyone's grandma. When she turned around to leave she gave me a double-take, which is a very common double-take, one I should be use to by now. They mean no harm by it but I know they are thinking 'wow she is young' or 'she doesn't look sick at all'. They are right - either way. What I do have a hard time with, however, is when I get the same looks from the people that work in the office. The receptionist looked at me as if I was there on business even after I stated 'I have a 3pm appointment with Dr. Keech'. Her tone of voice completely changed and was almost nervous to ask me insurance related questions.

When the nurse walked me back to the offices I couldn't help but notice her open-toed leopard-print high heels. She had a thick Eastern accent and was overly voluptuous. She treated me like a porcelain doll, like the one my grandma put on the very top shelf of the hutch, the one that had the pastel colored dress and skin so beautiful it was majestic. She, just like nurses before, was hesitate to ask me questions and had the obvious face of query about my presence in such an office. I have learn to not make that tension any more awkward but help them by answering the questions before they finish asking me, as if I know what I’m doing. She stated 'Dr. Keech will be in shortly' and closed the door behind her. My face shriveled up like a toddler waiting to cry and I broke out in a cold sweat - my wall was entirely gone - pieces of my strong-will couldn't be saved by my charming smile and high heels. I was naked. For a long 30 seconds I threw a 'victim's fit' – I was pissed. I was pissed at the white room that boxed me in, at the white paper on the table, at the medical charts on the wall, at the box of latex gloves on the counter, pissed that I was throwing an emotional fit instead of being a courageous woman who my friends and family view me to be. Then I stood up walked to the middle of the room looked straight into the full length mirror, stared at my tears of pointless fear and realized . . . 'I'm Fine'!

Remember when you were a kid and you either fell or bumped into something and you started crying because you thought you were hurt not because you were actually hurt. It wasn't until an adult made you calm down, stand up, and open your eyes to see you were just fine, there’s not a scratch on you . . . ‘You were fine all along’! I had to be my own adult in my child-like mind. I was perfectly fine - not even a scratch. Maybe a nice visible scar but I was not hurt, I was not damaged, I was not in distress, I was simply ‘just fine’.

After gaining my composure I found a Vogue magazine which was a surprise, seeing that the only magazines in the waiting room were targeted to the elderly. Every once in awhile I would look up and feel my blood pressure rise for no given reason, which meant I was fighting off the inner ‘victim demon’ and had to realize, again, ‘I am Fine’!

Dr. Keech entered my room. He reminded me of my very first Oncologist in Fresno – white man in his 40’s or 50’s, very personable, talks slower and without a thick accent like some other doctors, did not interrupt, and sat down with me to have a conversation instead of a checklist. After a brief ‘how are you’ conversation he got straight to the point “So, walk me through your story from the very beginning”. And so I did. I started telling the story that I always tell. I tell it so well and so repetitively that I can tune-out because I know it in my sleep. He asked a few questions along the way and together we joined back in the present. As a reader this maybe very mundane to you, but for me, it’s where I am emotionally and mentally naked. It’s the time where all the education and experience in my life does not matter. It’s where facts are delivered, notes are read, it is what is it, and other than a few life style choices on my part I don’t have any control on hereditary fate. I go through the appointments and test because it’s what I need to do – it’s a requirement for me to live without doubt and fear.

It was a requirement to go through the motions, until today. After a comprehensive check through all my records and a visual body examination Dr. Keech recommended, and I concurred, that the CAT scans, blood work, and X rays were no longer needed – my annual and sometimes bi-annual Oncologist appointments have come to an end! Two reasons for this: 1. My life style changes have prevented any more questionable areas on my body and the module in my lung has not changed in 8 years. 2. The amount of radiation I have already endured in the last 8-9 years is well enough, especially for a 27 year-old female with sensitive repercussions of radiation linked to beast cancer in young women. After a few more questions for Dr. Keech he walked me to the front of the office and said “It was nice meeting you” and the best sentence of my life “there is no need for a follow-up”. . . “Have a great day!” My day couldn’t get any better.

The guitarist was gone when I opened the door to the hallway which was appropriate. I grinned up at the origami cranes, walked just as high in my high-heels, and walked outside to experience a small jolt of reality when I realized the world was still spinning. For the last 45 minutes I thought for sure the world stopped because it usually does during my visits. I got in my car, looked one last time in my rear-view mirror and grinned, again, “I’m just Fine!”

How do you throw a surprise party?

2009-05-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

This is how you throw a surprise party:
1. Tell your friends how to brake into your house while you are out at dinner.
2.Text them throughout dinner to make sure all is going as planned
3. STALL! STALL! STALL!

As we drive back to our house the lights are off and there are no cars in sight (going as planned). (Sidenote: we only have a key to the bottom lock for the front door not the dead-bolt). Kara walks up to the door unlocks the bottom lock and tries to open the door . . . um . . . it's doesn't open! My friends locked the top lock! Kara looks back at me with the most confused look on her face and I can see her wheels turning trying to understand what the F is going on with her own house. The best part is she is still completely clueless at this point! As this is happening I am standing still just as lost as she is - I can't even think of anything smart to say! Kara brakes into the house (sorry i can not disclose how) then she unlocks the door for me while all lights in the house are still off except a small disco ball in the dinning room. As we stand in the streaming light Sam, Sarah, and Jamie stamped down the stairs is party hats! I thought Kara was going to karate-chop the intruders! It was Amazing!

Ice cream Oreo cake with a tiny superman collectible topper, a few gifts, party hats, and the worlds smallest disco ball! It was perfect!

A few hours later downtown

What do you do when the bartender didn't snap the picture fast enough when we were all actually taking the shot?

You hold the glasses up and pretend alcohol is still in there!

It was a happy ending!!

Relay for Life 2009

2009-04-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Last weekend at Chico's Relay for Life!

Fellow Survivor and former co-worker, Cheryl

Thanks Guys! for coming out and walking with me!

D E N I E D

2009-04-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have three social forum accounts on the web besides my email account one of which being Blogger. When I blog I write about random, serious, dumb, simple, or heartfelt situations and I submit them to the black-hole of the Internet not really expecting anyone to give a rat's ass. However, I must be honest, I do in-fact give a rat's ass. I would like to know why you have decided to type my URL and scroll down to read my life's journal. Something is obviously bringing you back - are you really interested in my life's happenings or do you just want to gossip in the web and watch me unravel like a Sunday evening movie? Let's take Mr. or Mrs. Los Angeles for example. They log on to my blog more than I do! WTH! If you are going to waist so much time reading my thoughts how about you have some yourself – and comment!

As for the two other forums’ I use (MySpace and Facebook) they are in place to re-connect, stay in contact, communicate, and share your life with your 'friends'. Right?! Could have fooled me! I signed up for Facebook about a month ago and to my surprised I realized people had already been searching for me (2 old friends and 1 family member). So I approved their 'friendship' and wrote a ‘hey, how are you?’ letter as a gesture of ‘friendship’. As the next few weeks came I received more 'friend' request and approval most of them and again wrote an individual letter as a friendly gesture. I thought to myself since they made the effort to find me that they would reciprocate my gesture. After several weeks what do I get in return . . . NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING! Why take the F*ING time to find me and raise an eyebrow to my account when you really don't give a rat's ass about having a real 'friendship' (in person or over the web).
Usually when I don't need or want someone in my life I will not write them back or make any effort to be interested in their life's happenings. So I get the hint! You really don't care - so do me a favor and don't request to be a web 'friend'! I rather blog into the black hole of the web then send you friendly gestures and get nothing back.

Fact: Eugene was the first city to have one-way streets

2009-04-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

Just a few un-edited photos from the last few days in Oregon

Downtown Portland

River Front - Portland

Briten Bush Hot Springs - Detroit

Lincoln City

One day trip to San Francisco

2009-04-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

Went to San Francisco last week bought a disposable camera, walked on the Pier, bought a cheap sweatshirt because we were not prepared, watched the 'bush man', ate bread bowls, drove down to Castro to take a stroll, and had a little road stress but it was a great day trip.

10 Thing I Don't Understand

2009-04-16T17:14:00.000-07:00

I don't understand . . .

1. people who think that their friends don't have other lives
2. why people agree to do things then vanish

3. how i found that most amazing derm. doctor here in Chico
4. why my body is falling apart in my mid twenties

5. how this small pill that is going to make me better can hurt so much
6. how i just turned into the Incredible Hulk

7. why the ice cream truck still has to play 'that' song
8. what happened to the days when people didn't 'talk back'

9. why people don't try to understand other people
10. what happened to 'common sense'

Sideways Road Trip

2009-04-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

I drove to Coalinga two days ago to take over my best friends house and drink wine and laugh it up til midnight. But this is what happened . . .

I knew I wasn't far from Coalinga because all i could find on the radio was 1 country channel, 1 Christian channel, and 9 Spanish channels. I think i was accompanied by the CalTrans road condition guy for some time, also.

I drove into town with the first sight of a black cat taking a crap on the corner of someones yard. Metaphorical or not it was very appropriate.

Then, i arrive at my mom's house and ending the night with grabbing things in the air to talk about. As for the obscene amount of wine drinking - i had one glass and was ready to go to bed by ten pm. My dad and I don't make eye contact til the next day - in which he calls me 'Hey, you' - he never says that! I watch the Dog Whisper and realize i really miss cable TV. The deep, emotional, analytical, best friend talk doesn't start until the night before i leave at ten pm. Our meals the last few days consisted of chicken salad and Italian pasta from Save Mart - twice a day.

Sometimes the much needed life check-ups are enough to provoke you to get your ass in gear.

The Laws of Anger

2009-04-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

Today did not start as a good day. Without going into detail - I was mad. I was hurt, mad, and emotional. I jumped in the shower to not only clean but to listen to only the water running and nothing else. Then I attempted to be civil and disregard the elephant in the room but it couldn’t be done. So I put on my new pink Aero shorts, new baby blue Nike Shox, and drive off with my new Schwinn bike in my car. (Yeah, I went on a Spring shopping spree - so happy).

I park my car at Bidwell Park and jump on my new Schwinn and ride. The ride it self was really nice - it always is - I just know I will hurt for a few days from biking 10 miles to relief stress. I was hungry after the ride so I drive downtown and parked along Main Street. It's common knowledge that you do not need to feed the parking meters on the weekends but I was so mentally jumbled that I had 60 cents in my hand and I didn't want to hold onto it so I feed the 60 cents to the meter. This makes sense, now, why some guy gave me a weird look like “Ummm, she must not be around here or not able to read the sign directly placed on the meter that states the meter laws”. After feeding the meter my piggy-bank account I walked to Beach Hut Deli and for those of you who are familiar with my digestive track, I do not do well with large meals. However, today I wanted to suppress my anger with food so I downed an amazing sandwich called the Drankster™ (roasted turkey, cream cheese, Monterey Jack, tomatoes, and Greek peppers between toasted bread). This sandwich was 2 inches high with each ingredient repeated twice. It was so comforting I ate almost all of it which for me is too much.

At the time it sounded like a good idea - take a relaxing bike ride, give the city my chump-change, and treat myself to lunch. But here I am with achy thighs and I have turned my bathroom into my blogging office for today!

Lesson for today -
If you kick a stone in anger, you'll hurt your own foot. ~Korean Proverb

The Other Woman

2009-04-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

The other woman is confident but tender
The other woman is understanding but slightly jealous
The other woman is here for you until you abuse her.

She is gone.
Gone like the heated affair across the city.
Gone like the forgetfull place you once had that memory.

She needs space too, but you left her out too long. Long enough to dry-up.
Flowers are not pretty when they dry-up.

The other woman never stays long because other women never do.

She is the other to your wife. She is the other to your lover. She is the other to your sister, daughter, and even yourself.
She fit that void where you needed to fuck, where you needed to laugh, where you needed to abuse, and where you needed to rise above.

The other woman doesn't need your explanation just let her go when she is already gone.

The other woman doesn't need your drama.

Say What?!

2009-04-02T00:05:00.001-07:00

We have lost the value of a sincere smile, we have lost the value of respect, we have lost the value of courtesy, and the value of a sincere hug. I have accepted that it is rare to find someone to open a door for me and not fake a greeting. I have accepted that respect is not a two-way street and real friends are a dying breed. I have choose to realize that we do not live in Pleasantville but a fallen world, however what I can't get my head around is that we have lost the value of our words.

Promises are now merely best intentions and dangerous one-liners are taken to the either extreme - 1. with a grain of salt or 2. too dependent on immature emotions. I will admit I am guilty of the extreme one-liners in the heat of anger or frustration and I have made a large effort to refrain from immature 'I love you's, 'I hate's, and using any absolutes (never and always). We can hardly keep to our word unless it's in a written contract and we mouth off statements without repercussions. We have over looked that fact that the more extreme we become in our language the more incredible we become to others. We all know someone who you don't listen to anymore because you never know what's true and what's a little 'off'. I lost a few good friends because I use to be lose-lipped and hard to believe. My words were extreme and stretching the truth depended on what the result would be for me. There are times when I still feel overwhelming disappointed that I became that person and I have spent 3-some years correcting my imperfection. Two of those people will always view me as ‘that’ girl and that is my repercussion.

The newest phase that we have succumbed to is 'I'm Done!' I know - I am being sensitive and petty about this 'word' thing. If you would not lead someone on with 'I love you' after the first date why would you say 'I'm Done' when your actions will not follow. You are lying emotionally to yourself and the people around you. Needless to say I can do without the guessing games of creditable words with friends are acquaintances.

An old friend hit the nail on the head by saying:
Mean what you Say. Say what you Mean. And Don’t be Mean when you Say It.

Guinness Commercial

2009-04-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

WARNING: If you are uncomfortable with videos of a sexual nature do not watch this!

Otherwise. . . enjoy a creative advertisement!

P.S. I apologize for nothing - it's just too funny!

Ellen Degeneres and Jennifer Hudson

2009-03-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

This is one of the many reasons i think Ellen ROCKS!!!

Oh! C'mon you know it's true!

2009-03-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks Travis! This is Amazing!

Ignatius from travis hawkins on Vimeo.

Panning for Gold

2009-03-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

I believe a stumbling block occurs in our lives’ journey when we fail to maintain the positives and fail to learn from the negatives during any given event. Sometimes we focus on a single event in life so much so that we can't seem to move on without referring back or repeating the same mistakes.

I remember as a kid visiting Columbia California with family friends and another time on a school trip to which we would participate in panning for gold. Looking back I find that panning for gold is a good metaphor for life’s events. During the Gold Rush men would dredge for gold and use a conveyer belt mechanism to dispense water and screen the rocks, dirt, and gold with pans. Equipment has evolved over time but the same principles apply - eliminate the sand, dirt, and rocks and value the gold.

As a child visiting Columbia's Gold Panning you are given a bag of dirt - not very exciting and perhaps slightly disappointing. It's not until the child leans over the running water and starts getting their hands wet do they see the shin that might be inside their ‘bag of dirt’. A patient process of shaking the sand out, throwing away the rocks, gently sifting through the particles results in finding gold. I don’t believe it would be untrue to say sometimes we are immovable on our unattractive ‘bag of dirt’ that we don’t let the gold shine. We are so disappointing when we realized our neighbor had more gold in his bag. We refuse to get our hands too wet. We are not patient enough to search. We have expectations of faulty bags. We settle for anything shiny even if it’s not gold.

I believe this broken world will give us dirty unattractive ‘bags of dirt’ and it is our choice to filter through them. Through our strength and will in God we learn how to 'pan for gold'. It is not until you eliminate the dirt/negativity that you may see your gold. It is our choice to maturing the positives or carry around bags of dirt without knowing what gift is inside.

House-ism

2009-03-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

Wanted to share brilliant photos of the House Crew

I love the quotes on their shirts. They said the following, based on the character who wore it:

Dr. Wilson: Admit the past, deny the present.

Dr. Hadley (Thirteen): Everything has a reason.

Dr. Kutner: Doing things changes things.

Dr. Chase: Don’t blame me, blame my gender.

Dr. House: Hope is for sissies.

Dr. Foreman: Bad mojo is not a diagnosis.

Dr. Cuddy: Don’t trust opinions.

Dr. Cameron: Something is something.

Dr. Taub: Be good, get good or give up.

Everyone wearing: Normal's Overrated

Follow-Up to Discomfort

2009-03-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

Follow-Up to Discomfort

For those of you who were sitting on the edge of your computer desk seat for result!

The unidenified tumor was a Pilomatrixoma: A pilomatrixoma is a benign appendageal tumor with differentiation toward hair cells. It usually manifests as a solitary, asymptomatic, firm nodule.

Deleted Scene from Biggest Loser Week 10

2009-03-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

See More HERE

I’m a huge ridiculous fan of 2 shows on television - House and Biggest Loser. I found this video of a deleted scene of this week’s episode of the Biggest Loser. For those of you who are following: 1. I can’t believe the Black team won again (they don’t deserve it) 2. Why the heck is Ron still on this show?

Divine Nature gave the fields, human art built the cities.

2009-03-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to blog about my latest ventures out in the town of Chico and I am so behind I figured it would be better to write about them all at once. I enlightened you a few months ago on Euro Cafe and Chico Cabaret but that was just the tip of the iceberg. What keeps me in Chico other than the disposition of the people are the outlets that fill-up the corners of this town.

This Valentines Day Sam took me to the Vagina Monologues. In the past I have referred to some of my post as 'Vagina Monologues' but I never had experienced the real thing until that night. What ended up being more emotional than humorous was still undeniably a piece of art. Each actress was believable and humble. Each story was raw; sex, abuse, giving birth, orgasms, and self growth. ($12)

The last week of February Kara and I spent our Saturday night at the Rol ler Derby. Amazing - It's my new favorite sport. Until that night I thought a Roller Derby was a bunch of lesbians pushing each other around a rink. In all honestly it is a little bit of that but so much more. For a spilt second I wanted to join the team - I even had my Roller name picked out! (I’m over that now)! March 28th is the next show-down! Please join! Oh Yeah - just in case I forget to tell you, Nae, Nor Cal is playing Bakersfield some time soon! Hint Hint!!! ($12)

This last weekend Jacob performed in Keeping Dance Alive. The two hour performance consisted of ballet, jazz, tap, belly dancers (which was really awkward), hip-hop, martial arts, and modern. The students were very talented and entertaining the performances were breathtaking. Very well put together! ($18)

When I first moved to Chico my parents visited me for Thanksgiving and I took them to The Black Crow Restaurant which became my favorite restaurant but regretfully it has close. But don't fear this town has plenty of other bistro’s to fill my appreciation for good food. Just in case you find yourself stuck in the cookie-cutter corporate chains let me enlighten you on my favorites in town. Crush 201, Broad Way Heights, Christian Michaels Ristorante, Pluto's (for an extra penny), Sin or Cortez (which should hire me to do their marketing), TEAZ ME Tea Bar & Asian Cafe (more so for the Tea's than the food), Pita Pit, 5th Street Steak House, and Tres Hombres. I am leaving out several more among bar's, coffee houses, and desert favorites but that will be in another post.

Keep Me Posted

2009-03-02T00:47:00.001-08:00

There are many ways to end a conversation and part ways; talk to you later, have a good night, see you soon, take care, see-ya, peace-out, see you later alligator, catch you on the flip-side, I'm outy, toodle loo, time to bounce, aloha, later gator, roger that, stay well, God speed, or a simply bye-bye.

Most of the phone conversation between Janae and I could fall under any of those categories but lately we have pulled out the distinct statement that opens up a entire new meaning. "Keep me posted" means so much more than 'okay honey - talk to you soon'. “Keep me posted” means my bags are half packed you just tell me when, my blue-tooth will be in my ear all day for you, ill buy tickets to Canada - you just tell me when, I will be stressing-out until you call me back, the anxiety the more news will make me take a pill, I am going to the store for more wine, I don't know what else to say just give me information as soon as you can!

Discomfort II

2009-02-26T21:44:00.001-08:00

I wanted to share with you the delightful stitches that were the result of the Discomfort experience. However, since Janae yelled at me for posting my Contusions photos directly on my blog i thought i would offer you a link to view . . . or not to view!

Disclaimer: It's not bad at all! It just looks funny because hair should be there!

PHOTO

Technologically Inclined

2009-02-25T03:24:00.000-08:00

Even as Jupiter has grown older she is still atracted to my computer. As soon as I stop typing she is laying on the keyboard. Im Sorry! Were you sitting here?

All in a day's work!

Contusions

2009-02-25T02:39:00.000-08:00

With plenty of time on my hands I have ventured into more physical activities but I have paid a price. Two nice bruises have discolored parts of my body but I have also gained great stories!

Knee Contusion -
My friend Zara text me one night and says "Do you play Bball? We have a game tonight and only have 3 players!" I politely state that i don't play but i can run and occupy space on a court. She says "Great! Ill pick you up at 8pm" I had the ball in my hands twice the entire game, was molested by a lesbian with a nose ring, and sweated more than i do in my tennis games. During the last half a 6 foot tall opponent’s knee t-bones my knee and does not flinch. I on the other hand feel like the terminator just karate-chopped my knee. I have not played since nor received another text from Zara.
Ankle Contusion-
A week prior to the knee contusion Zara, Kara, and I were planning on going for a bike ride but plans fell through that morning, however, because i was so excited to ride i went alone, proving that i could in fact to so. I took out an old bike that Kara had in the garage and started down Lassen Ave. A few blocks down the road i realize the seat of the bike was slowing falling and my knees were slowing rising to my chest . . . looking like a gangster from Coalinga. Throughout the several mile ride i probably stopped 4 times to tighten the seat. On my way back to the house i thought i had permanently fixed the seat and i was enjoying the tones on my iPod. I was wrong! Suddenly the seat fell completely down to the center bar and my ankle jerked off the peddle to prevent my fall but collided with the peddle as it came back around. I was so mad and embarrassed i didn’t feel the initial impact. I again pulled off the road to fix it one last time with a few kicks, curse words, and sweat and arrived home with a nice colorful lump on my left ankle.

I think i will stay with Tennis!

Discomfort

2009-02-25T01:19:00.000-08:00

Alright people!! Let talk about discomfort!

Yes! They can come in menstrual cramps, a tooth ache, a migraine, a pea under my mattress, a titty twister, a Japanese finger trap, razor burn, or a paper cut. Well today I can add a new one to the list . . . three stitches in my head!

Today what my doctor and I thought would be quick removal of a cyst from my head, a few inches in from my hairline, turned into a 30 minute procedure to remove a unidentified tumor with surrounding ‘debris’ (word choice of my doctor). As the very calm and consoling doctor numbs my head I mention the awkward silence needs some music so his dear nurse turned on some music equivalent to harmonious therapy. Honestly, I could have hugged her! Normally I visit my dearest doctors alone but I was so grateful that my girlfriend came with me today. . . she has the amazing ability to take me to a mental and emotional place in a time of need that I can't get to alone. I didn't feel much during the procedure besides the pressure on my skull but I could hear the cutting and what sounded like tearing which is sometimes worst than pain because my imagination gets the best of me. A few hours after being home the numbness wore off and the worst of the pain arrived. It felt as if someone had a fist full of my hair and was pulling me around like a rag-doll. A few pills and a Cappuccino Blast later the pain has reduced to a level two discomfort. We will await the result next Wednesday.

Mollie May Montana

2009-02-11T14:46:00.000-08:00

My two dogs are considered two of my best friends. Our small family had several animals growing up but Mollie and Vada are our most recent. My parents took in Mollie 15 years ago and 7 years ago i bought Vada but had to let her stay at my parents a few years back when i didn't have a backyard. Mollie and Vada have been inseparable ever since. Vada (left) is spoiled rotten and walks around with a princess attitude. Mollie (right) was always more laid back but lived up to a black Lab's characteristics: energetic, loyal, and fun loving. I wonder who is going to take it the hardest - our family or Vada?

When anyone you love dies it is a tragic event even if you are expecting it. When your own dog dies it just as tragic. My mom has been avoiding this day for awhile now because she refused to be the one to take her to the vet. I knew my dad could never do it himself and I couldn't bare the pain of seeing Mollie in discomfort any more - so i did.

I don't know what's worst: the days that lead up to today, driving to the vet, the moments at the vet, or the days after.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. ~Christopher Morley

You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

A dog can express more with his tail in seconds than his owner can express with his tongue in hours. ~Author Unknown

Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really. ~Agnes Sligh Turnbull

Mollie May Montana

1994 - 2009

Thank You for the Memories

We will Miss You

Dr. Seuss knows my pain

2009-02-04T17:43:00.000-08:00

A Perfect Fit

2009-02-04T16:50:00.000-08:00

As you might know I have been job searching for 4 months. I will admit I didn't look that hard the first month because I thought I would be able to receive unemployment benefits to carry me through, but when that money fell through i starting searching right away. While i was searching for a new career i was also appealing the decision from my former company that denied me my unemployment benefits and just last week i took them to the Court of Appeals. I don’t know what’s slower the Court of Appeals or waiting for those stupid TV Conversion Coupons to arrive.

I had a few job interviews in the last few months: Banking, Market Research, Temp., and Sales. More than ever I really wanted a job that combined my creative and systematic side and I found that with this recent job. I went through two different hour-long interviews with Excel and Publisher test at the end. I was waiting for my third call back when i went to the court date with Target for my unemployment benefits. My former boss and I sat down with the judge and hashed out letters and evidence. The judge's decision in currently in the mail. A few days after that appointment i went to my third interview. I was hesitate of this company the first time i went because my job title was unclear, however, by my third interview i knew i wanted to be there. Every time their associates would tell me more about the job duties that more i knew it was a 'perfect fit' for me.

Here's the irony. Last night i had a dream. It was a normal day and i received a phone call from the contact woman at this company who informs me that i did not receive the job and that she was really sorry because she was pulling for me to get it. She suggested that i could file an appeal and hopefully win the job. Still in the dream, i confide to a friend and say '. . . it's okay, I’m just glad this is just a dream." and she says calmly ". . . that's true". Side note: What a world it would be if you could appeal a company decision and win a job?! Chaos.

So i wake up and tell Kara the dream with an awkward silence to follow. Then a few hours later i received the important call from the company. The lady says she was so sorry that it had taken so long to get back to me and she regrets to tell me that i was not 'the right fit' for the job. However, she asked if she could keep my contact information because her step-kids are coming this summer and she would love for me to take her family photos. Of course, i stayed professional and accepted the photo opportunity (which in all seriousness i am delighted to do it).

Unlike most of my endeavors i do not get my hopes up. I do get nervous but after it's all said and done i know it's not in my hands. However, today i was upset. I really got my hopes up and really pictured myself in this job, obviously more than they did. I hope this does not come across as a pity party, just the opposite, i really thought a degree and experience would get me anywhere but now i have to reassess what i thought i knew about interviewing and selling myself. Not to mention i really was eager to tell you about my dream and it's ironic similarity (please, shed light on that for me).

My hopes are lying in the fact that i will not inherit bad luck and get 2 out of 2 "I regret to inform you . . . ".

Photos

2009-02-02T18:09:00.000-08:00

New photos of Jacob and Corynn before thier Winter formal

http://www.bluejayphotos.blogspot.com/

Paradise Photos

2009-01-30T21:59:00.000-08:00

Since I received my new camera I have failed to take it out . . . until today! I am still learning the camera new gadgets. I went out of Chico towards Paradise and ran into a few cows, goats, and nice landscapes. OH! and a few pieces of metal art. Here you go!